Here’s the Latest News …
Sometimes … a simple status isn’t enough. I’m also getting tired of MULTIPLE tweets, long Facebook posts, and multiple Instagram posts even for what should be a simple update. Because, to be honest – this situation is no longer simple. It really hasn’t been.
That’s why I decided to post a blog instead. This gives everyone a chance to read it in their own time, skip it, and/or share it if they want to.
I thought about starting a new blog – but, I figured THE SOAPBOX covers it MUCH better, and I really don’t have the creativity for another blog.
And, what’s sad – a lot of this is FAR more complicated than it needs to be.
This current UPDATE was the result of a “call” on 9/29 from the Case Manager (CM) at the SNF mom is currently at. Mom’s been there since 3/23.
After that call – I reached a low I hadn’t felt in over 21 years – the days after 9/11. Those were my darkest days. One of those days was so dark, I’d considered stepping off the curb in front of a bus. Thankfully, I was with it enough to talk myself down. But, I knew I wasn’t well.
It’s not a moment I’m proud of. I mention it because of the strength I had in that moment. The strength to say “this isn’t the way” and to really acknowledge my pain, suffering, and find a way to heal.
Did I get the help I needed after that? No. It wasn’t available. And, what I needed at that time was 9/11 not to have happened. I had to remember the “Serenity Prayer”, take it “one day at a time”, and find a sense of normalcy. I did get better in time obviously. I retreated into my writing and reading a LOT of books.
Given the length of time, I had hoped those days were behind me (especially after June 2014). Sadly, I was wrong. That’s why the term relapse exists. Though, I’d thought after 21+ years there was NO chance.
On 3/29 (given what happened 7 years ago as well), I was definitely in the lowest place one can go. And, after being accused of elderly abuse and THREATENED (multiple times) on the phone, I really wanted to end my life. I literally felt like I was waste of space, and my existence was an entire mistake. I truly felt like the worst piece of filth on the Earth.
It's interesting to note – on 3/29/2016, my mom was diagnosed with Endometrial/Uterine cancer. She got the call from her doctor. Not his staff – him, personally. January – April 2016 was a HORRIBLE time for me for more than one reason. That phone call on 3/29 from the CM at the SNF – it was like a nail in a coffin.
But, I was with it enough, despite having a RAGING and devastating migraine, to go to bed without taking some medication. I didn’t trust myself to take only the 2-caplets that I usually do. I mention that, because I owe it to everyone to be incredibly honest about who I am given that I have a “platform” and honesty is what I pride myself on. I don’t want to be the “fakestagram” person. I really didn’t trust myself and went to bed with the headache. More on that in a bit.
That said …
For the longest time, I’ve always had my mom’s back.
At 9-years-old I confronted someone in law enforcement (he was really dirty himself) as the issue centered on me. That is a dark, ugly secret I keep. Despite being a victim, I don’t like to talk about it. I can say, as a sexual assault survivor – no child should EVER go through what I had to at the hands of a city, county, or state.
At 12-years-old, I (in public) threatened to kick a guy’s a$$ in response to a threat he made against my mom. (I’ll mention that in another post someday).
I’ve worked with my mom to help her keep her job, for lawsuits (even one that netted a good sum in July 2019), and I’ve taken on most of her responsibilities, even as young as 19. So, I’ve ALWAYS taken care of my mom. Being “accused” and “threatened” of abusing her did me in.
After sleeping on the matter, and after getting a spiritual (or ghostly) kick in the pants, I’m still not 100% better. I’m fighting my demons even now.
But, I want more than anything to get this out there. I want people to know – not all case managers and social workers are there to help.
Don’t think that – some are cold, calculating, and vicious. Some are more vile than the evil people we see in the news because CMs and SWs act under an umbrella of “concern” and present as if they’re acting in your best interests. (As of not, my distrust stems from my “experience”).
Not all SNFs are there to help the patients (or caregivers) either. And, believe it or not – family caregivers (like me) are the LEAST cared for and MOST abused people in the medical industry. We are expected to literally give up our lives for free, get hurt and keep going, take the stress and keep going. Shut up and work 24/7 for NOTHING.
To show how these people at SNFs, case managers, and social workers are …
The case manager called wanting to do a “discharge plan” for mom. Plan A or Plan B. Of course, there is only a “she comes home” plan for us. Not ideal, but all we can manage.
Stairs are out of the option completely. Okay, mom can’t walk, but I can scoot her up and she can scoot down (oh, that’s not acceptable to them despite the fact a LOT of people do it). Basically, the CM wanted to label the home “unsuitable” and “unsafe”, even DANGEROUS.
If you think they’re going to help us with a place … read on – THEY DON’T WANT TO!!
The other option? Leave mom downstairs. Of course, that isn’t feasible – safety and logistics.
#1 – Dangerous for me at night. If mom needs something at night (over the time I go to bed), and I’m half asleep – I could fall down the stairs, seriously injuring myself. I mean, it’s happened a few times even when I was awake.
Guess what? That’s okay for me to risk injury – mom is the priority here. She HAS to be. My safety cannot be taken into consideration at all; nor my mental, medical, or anything else when caring for mom. (Yes, that was vocalized and emphasized).
If I get hurt that’s absolutely fine, the CM is okay with that. Yes, the CM actually indicated it’s not a big deal if I get hurt caring for my mom. That’s not their concern at all.
#2 – Even if I threw EVERYTHING in the living room (sofa, my desk, TV, small entertainment stand) in the trash (no money for a storage unit, and it can’t go upstairs) – given the “floorplan” (how the place is constructed) …
A hospital bed would CUT off access to the downstairs bathroom, the kitchen (no way to fix food), and the laundry room (no clean clothes).
Pretty good reasons. And, it isn’t like mom hasn’t “scooted” up or down the stairs before. She did for over 2 weeks last year. Even a therapist at a respected rehab suggested it 2 weeks POST-OP, and tried working with my mom. (This PT guy is the one who helped us out in December with some food and supplies).
That is UNACCEPTABLE! I’m not even TRYING to make it habitable for mom. I’m not working hard enough (all implied and hinted at).
Naturally, I was upset about the call’s content (more on that in a bit) and called mom to let her know. Mom asked (with me on the phone) to talk to the CM.
Here’s where the TRUE NATURE comes out …
What does the CM tell mom? They’re SO concerned she has NO food at home and NO clothes. That’s right. Now, it’s morphed into something even MORE sinister.
They want to make sure she has food and clothing (heard it since I was on the phone with mom when the person said it) before she goes home!
How did that come into play and how did they get there? Follow along …
Remember when I said a “hospital bed” (or any bed) in the living room would cut off access to the kitchen? The CM took that, twisted it into a fact that mom has no food whatsoever and STARVES at home.
A “hospital bed” cutting off access to the laundry room means mom has no clothes at all to wear!
Talk about gaslighting and scapegoating! But, that’s their job! Gaslight and scapegoat. If I hadn’t heard it, I would NOT have believed it. Day and time noted for reference. Then again, I should have remembered they are capable of that.
Yes, mom’s clothes are a bit big on her now, she hasn’t been home long enough to get clothes, and she’s lost weight being in those places from their lack of feeding her how and what she wants.
As of note, mom doesn’t like to try clothes on (we had a fun session in 2016). And, yes … we almost ALWAYS have food, days before payday MIGHT get tight … but that’s been the case even when she was working. NOTHING NEW here folks.
But, they have to do their “due diligence” to make sure I’m not abusing her. (That “umbrella of concern”). The CM said that FIVE TIMES (5x) to mom because they’re so worried about her! I’m listening to this. Clothes and food were not mentioned as a concern to me, but to mom. (I reserve the rights to this for a story).
They didn’t care before, BUT O-M-G they do now. Mom did say SNFs were the reason her wound wasn’t healed properly and the hospitals rushed her out; and the reason she lost weight. They don’t give her the food she wants, even deny snacks a time – but, the house MUST HAVE FOOD. (SMH).
On the money angle? Mom and I talked it out to thwart them. And, it is reasonable. Since I don’t get paid by the state or her insurance to care for her and assist her – I get my expenses covered by her paying my way – whether she is here or not. Rent, food, transportation (and more) – technically, half of what she gets (which isn’t really enough per se when you count it all up).
That’s how it was when she was working too – I earned my keep by providing services (cooking, cleaning, financial management, transportation, legal aide, and counseling services). It’s a continuation from that time. It’s been this way for a long time.
FYI: we share the bank account, so I do have access – bank card in my name as well. Been that way for over 25 years. Nothing new.
If you’re wondering WHY we can’t get some help. Here’s the deal …
THEY DON’T WANT TO HELP US. They have their own agenda.
Case managers and social workers don’t want to help the caregiver care for their loved one at home. It isn’t financially lucrative that way. SNFs and those places earn nothing if mom is home with me.
They’d rather put mom in a “group home” (6 patients to 1 caregiver – did not say nurse or CNA) and take ALL her money. That was the first thing from the case manager’s mouth. Not kidding – they want HER money for a group home rather than help me get a suitable place.
I think we all know that the patient benefits better by being home (food, atmosphere, love) and with the caregiver of their choice (1:1 care). Nope. Not where money is involved.
They want her in a place where they can get ALL OF her money.
If we live together, they get NOTHING. They don’t want to help us because they get NOTHING. Makes more “cents” NOT to help us. (Pun intended).
Now, let’s get into the allegation of elderly abuse …
I had mentioned I only had so much money – and, folks, I do earn money here or there from my own lawsuits, refunds, and surveys. The CM didn’t even let me get that far, and LITERALLY said “your mother has the money NOT you”. That’s right. Right off, judgmental attitude. No room for me to explain – just accused and convicted RIGHT there – no due process.
Before I continue … as a co-owner of the account (going back as far as 1997), Bank of America would say “LEGALLY” the money is just as much mine as it is mom’s. See that word? LEGALLY.
Also, if I were to apply for assistance – as I have access to the account – I would be denied assistance because I do have money. The state of Nevada would tell me that I have money (the money deposited monthly in the bank account).
I wish I was kidding, I’m not. Swear to God Almighty! I’m not lying or kidding. Legally the money is mine, but it isn’t mine. I can’t get assistance because I have access to money that I can’t use. (Enjoy that migraine, freebie from me to y’all).
Going forward …
I was told me buying food for myself, gas for the car, and clothing for myself is elderly abuse as I’m not to spend ANY of her money at all for my needs – not at all, not whatsoever. Buying FOOD, GAS, CLOTHING – abusive practices!
Um, NEWSFLASH – I have ALWAYS had mom’s permission to spend money (and she not so nicely told the CM that). Sometimes mom tells me to do it - so, ya, that “commandment” – “honor they mother”, I’m doing it. I ain’t going to hell for disobeying my mama. I’ll go to hell for what I do – not what someone wants me to do.
If I have her permission, tell her what I buy – how is that abuse? Well … to them – spending HER money for MY needs is abusive, even WITH permission. After all, they don’t take the family dynamics and permissions into consideration. (Of course, they don’t – not if they want the money).
THIS IS NOT a “they care” deal, it’s a “if you spend it we don’t get it” deal. They’re not looking out for mom at all. She was at this same facility another time last year, they didn’t mention this at all.
And, take in consideration that last year and even this year (September 2022-current) – mom was at three (3) SNFs, and a rehab place; even multiple hospitals. Those places, and those case managers, had NO issue with our living arrangement/financial set-up. Now, all of a sudden this place and this CM has an issue?
That shows they only care about the money; not mom’s needs or wishes. That EXPLAINS why we can’t get the help we need.
The people at this place figure to push me out of the way to take her funds, and if they can cite elderly abuse – they will. Easiest way to get me out of the way – discredit me. They can take her, grab funds, she’s miserable. Who cares? They don’t.
On that call, I was threatened no less than 3-4 times on the phone with “you better watch out”, “that’s how people get in trouble”, “people go to jail for that”. “you’re NOT to do that”.
I did say “some family dynamics are different”, but no, I was met with threats and told to “stop spending the money”. It was so bad, I was literally shaking – in fear of the cops showing up. I spent 2 hours crying, then intermittently off and on, and even planning ways to end my life over it. That’s NOT healthy, nor is it helpful.
As I said, I told mom, and that did not go over well with her. And, she even encouraged me to go out for dinner if I wanted to – so, I did. Yes, I know – running to mommy for help sounds pathetic. It is HER money, so … yeah, that’s a good reason to run to mommy.
Mom literally asked the CM “don’t I get a say”. She does – they know it. But, the CM acted like they have to “approve” her wishes despite not having legal, medical, or financial say over her. Mom was like “no you’re not getting any say and don’t upset my daughter because that upsets me”. That’s legally true. They have NO say.
But, this just shows their true nature regarding their patients. This SNF has a bad rap as it is, and SNFs have a bad reputation overall.
I wanted to stress to the CM how hard I was working at trying to make “home” a better place. Y’all remember my “help me get a home for us” GoFundMe? Mentioned that. And, folks, I’m fixing to re-start it. That’s what is needed.
I had said something about squatting in a vacant house being a last resort, and mentioned it was wrong and that’s why I couldn’t do it. (Please re-read what I said about it being wrong and that’s why I couldn’t do it – it isn’t right).
I mean, I won’t go to illegal means though. But, I wanted to stress HOW hard I was trying within the scope of being legal.
I had even joked about the only thing I could do was put one of my kidneys up for sale on social media for $500,000. The CM’s response? She actually saw NO issue with it and practically encouraged it. Her only concern was I might need it when I’m older.
At this rate? I might not get older (especially if the stress starts attacking my body). Seeing what mom is going through – pardon this, as I know it’s touchy – no wonder some people commit suicide. I don’t want to get old now. I have my own views on that, but that has no place here.
But, the CM wasn’t shocked or upset, she was practically supportive of the idea of me selling an organ to get a house. Y’all, I think that’s pretty classless right there. Again – it’s all about the money.
So, if y’all are expecting a case manager or social worker to help me care for mom by helping with a place to live – no. They have ZERO interests in that. They’ll just help themselves to her money anyway they can though.
Facts.
Am I doing better? Going to bed with a headache equals waking up with a WORSE headache. I had a 14-hour migraine that felt like my skull was being crushed and brain set on fire. I did take something for it (only the 2 caplets). But, the headache took a toll on me.
As far as being social – still not there. I don’t know when I will be. Some comments, posts, and the like are solely entries to win a book or gift. Also, as Camp NaNoWriMo is around the corner – I will be focusing on that.
I will honor my review obligations and social media obligations. I will try to share some pictures I’ve been meaning to share. But, as far as being my “social self” – it might take a while to come back. I just … I don’t feel it right now.
I’m going this alone, and it’s difficult. It’s taken a toll on my physical health and my mental health.
I will post updates as I can. I’ve got my review obligations and now Camp NaNoWriMo. I also need to take care of the house and rest. I have to prioritize.
If I don’t update – again, I’m trying to get through each moment at a time.
If I don’t reply to a message or comment – please note that I need to recover. I’m not being rude. I truly need to put me back together. It could be days, weeks … I just don’t know.
Sometimes thinking about getting through a day is overwhelming.
Please be patient with me.
Please respect my process.
Please give me space.
Thank you.
Marie
No comments:
Post a Comment